K. Matthew: Annabel's First Time

I'm so enjoying these shitty pieces of literature. At first I thought it a waste of my time and resources but now when I started to focus on the clichés I'm having fun.

This pointless piece says nothing of the vampire universe it is set in since there is just the description of one vampire's defloration. The master vampire who does it only keeps saying she must be trained in these things because she will do it often (and later it is revealed that she has to bang a guy before she makes him her dinner, like WTF?!). Totally logical if you ask me :-D=. And somehow the question of virgin vampire series stands out in my mind - does the hymen grow back to vampires since it's a series and she's been taken care of in the first volume? Ouch, that's one painful eternity. 

Again, this should be porn but it is so funny when someone's appendage is suddenly replaced by "meat stick" and goes to places :-D=. Meat stick? Really? :-D= I've read a lot of names for it but this one is the funniest so far. 

You can guess I didn't like the book much but for the unintentional entertainment I'm gonna be lenient. Because.. Well, no... Even porn can be written in a better way I guess. Never seen it but I believe it is out there. This was just so weird in a bad way.

Oh, and at the end of it the author asks for a review, so you are welcome Mr or Ms Matthew, here you have it. I just googled the author and clicked on the official page to find out the gender of the writer (though I suspect a woman) while the red warning sign from my antivirus appeared telling me I'd get a Trojan horse if I continued to that page. Just awesome. These reviews are getting better and better! I can get virtual crabs from all of that stuff :-D=.

GENRE: porn with meat sticks

FANGS OUT: well, if you like meat sticks...
FANGS RETRACTING: Well, what do you expect? Go watch something on an adult site and you'll be spared stupid thoughts the protagonists have.
TOTAL SCORE:

Sacher Torte

OK, you can't live in central Europe and not know about this iconic Vienese dessert. There are stupid weirdos who, however, have their right to state opinions (no matter how wrong those are) and say it's a dry sponge so why bother. But even dry deserts can be delicious when served right. So, bear in mind that you need a cup of your favourite hot beverage with this and if you are into whipped cream, you should get some, too.

Ingredients:

• 6 eggs (divided)
• a pinch of salt
• 80g powdered sugar (if you like it more sweet, add another 80g)
• 160g room-temperature butter
• 200g dark chocolate (I used 70%)
• 160g flour

• topping: two spoons of butter and 80g of chocolate
• middle: your favourite preserve (cherry is the most common but any will do)

1)  Use the egg whites and a pinch of salt (and 80g sugar if you want the sweeter version) to make stiff peaks.

2) Melt the chocolate and set it aside to cool a little so that you don't boil the eggs when mixing it together.

3) Beat the sugar and butter till light and fluffy, then start adding the egg yolks, flour and melted chocolate.

4) Carefully fold in the egg whites so that you still have kinda fluffy mixture (as you can see, there is no baking powder in here so that means all the spongy structure is created by the egg whites).

5) Bake for about 40 minutes at 180°C.

6) When it's cooled down, cut it in half and spread the marmalade on it. Some people cut the top of the cake because it always rises in the middle and they want flat surface for the final step (but that's wasteful if you ask me - honestly, if you are not going to present your cakes to some posh people but to your family, who cares?!). Put the halves back together and pour chocolate on the top. Serve with whipped cream (if you like it - I don't so I skip this part).

Anjela Renee: Abby's Vampire

And my wild ride through suspiciously free e-book content continues...

This time (yeah, yeah, I'm still at A in my alphabetically arranged free books which scares me more than it surely scares you) I got my hands on something longer than a short story which means it makes sense. I came across some "books" which seemed just like beginning chapters and honestly, if the sequels are as short as the beginning "books", it then makes them the most expensive books around - if you pay a Dollar or more per chapter, you do the counting.

Anyway, I keep ranting about my e-book discoveries - I know, I know, I should have done this when it was new but it is new to me at least - and that makes me go places I don't wanna go. I'm here for the review.

This book - and I can call it a book since it had 120 pages on my reader - is so far my best find. It had a plot, it had a villain, it had romance, it had twists, it had redemption, it had the prospect of a well-written series, it wasn't as cheesy as one would expect.

Phew, I thought I wouldn't find any series I'd like to read but this seems as a nice start because the universe it's set in has all you need in a romance - there is that eternal love (a note to self - dig out the moment vampires went from Dracula's model of polygamy to today's model of One and Only Forever) which is threatened by a psycho who may not be a psycho when you think of his motives, there is the whole sire/child thing I liked, the vampires have a system in their realm so that no rogues are dancing around - really promising thing as I've said. I only missed the funny or ironic moments. If I'm supposed to relax over a predictable book I need something more. But it wasn't bad.

GENRE: romance

FANGS OUT: the average you can count on
FANGS RETRACTING: I need more humour or excitement
TOTAL SCORE:

White Chocolate Macadamia Cake

Oh, sweet heavens, this is it. It's moist, it's decadently sugary, it's got nuts in it.... I just have no words for it. You have to try to understand.  And loosen your belts, it's a bomb. But a good one so who cares that you have to spend two more hours at the gym, right?!

You'll need: 

• 400g white chocolate
• 250g butter
• 300g sugar
• 250ml coconut milk
• 350g flour
• 2 tea spoons baking powder
• 2 eggs
• 100g chopped macadamias
• 1 tea spoon vanilla extract
• a pinch of salt
• 40g shredded coconut
• zest from 1 lime

for decoration:

• 250g cream cheese
• 5 table spoons shredded coconut  
• 1 table spoon honey
• juice from 1/2 lime
• fruit of your choice (I had some strawberries left in the freezer so I let them thaw out)

1) Prepare a big pot because you need to heat everything up in it. Start with the butter and chocolate and milk. When it's all liquid-y and not boiling (you don't want it to boil at all), start adding the rest of the ingredients and mix till smooth.

2) Pour into your cake form and bake at 180°C for about an hour (keep it covered at first and then remove the top for the last 15 minutes).

3) Whisk all the ingredients for the decoration except the fruit and decorate once the cake has cooled down.  

Jessica Coulter Smith: A Love for All Nights

I'm literally dying with laughter now. Since this was another from my infamous free e-reads, I didn't see the cover for the story. And I just googled it up so that I could include it with this review. There's a frickin' butt all over it! Who thought this would be a good idea?! :-D=

Anyway, if I saw the cover prior to reading it I would have been prepared. But nope, I jumped into the short story with a clear mind, trying not to judge too soon. And quite soon I found the mistakes and some serious cringe-worthy moments. 

For example, the vampire in the story was made in 1940. Quite specific, huh? He was given good background only to be ruined later when it is mentioned that he waited centuries for his one and only (awwwkwaaaard, the author can't count). 

To make the short story with this important flaw even shorter, they love each other (nothing bonds  you for eternity like the hasty I-love-you's), she wants to be changed right away and doesn't even protest when he shoves something in her butt (ha, now we get the why of the cover) without asking first. Because from the two encounters he had with her he knew she would love to experiment and be wild despite her mundane appearance and behaviour.

OK, let's call it quits I'm still laughing and that somehow affects my typing ability. 

GENRE: quick romance

FANGS OUT: well, it wasn't as bad as the last thing I read
FANGS RETRACTING: stop sticking things up people's butts without asking
TOTAL SCORE:

Avocado Ice Cream

Yeah, I know, I know, ice cream in January seems a little bit off but that's the problem of preparing articles in advance. You make something in summer but it will appear on your blog in winter. 

Anyway, there are only four ingredients. And one of them is avocados! Oh, I just love them. And now I have yet another excuse to eat them.

According to my picture it looks like a mess which is not smooth but it is because I broke my ice cream spoon and had to scoop it up with a regular table spoon which I obviously can't.

Ingredients:

• 2 ripe avocados
• 1 400ml can of coconut milk
• juice from 1/2 lime
• 2 table spoons of agave syrup

1) Use your hand blender to deal with the avocados. You want them smooth.

2) Put the coconut milk in the fridge for a couple of hours. Then open it and take out only the top solid part, there will be liquid part at the bottom of your can - that is not needed in here. Keep it for some other recipe. Whip up the solid part till creamy.

3) Combine the avocados with cream and add as much of the syrup as you like. Add the juice, too. It prevents the avocados from getting brown. 

4) Put in the freezer and wait ;-)=  You can decorate it with more syrup or black sesame seeds...

Tiberius L. Pulcher: A Pervert's Guide to Counseling Teenage Vampire Sex Addicts

WTF doesn't even remotely sum this up but it's the closest I can think of. Because I can't think of much else after this brain-diarrhoea. 

See, I thought it cool getting all the free stuff into my e-book reader.  Many websites offer free copies of books which open series to attract readers. So I naturally downloaded all the books with vampires in them and now I have to suffer for my ill decisions. Fortunately the stuff is always short so I don't suffer that much.

I take back all the insults I've ever given to the erotica and romance books for lacking substance or depth because obviously I had no experience with such things until now. 

This short story or whatever it is just seems wrong. There is no plot whatsoever, it's filled with extra cheesy dialogues (like, two or something) and and there is nothing more to say because the rest is pure porn. Honestly, someone just described a short video you can see at some adult web page. Because really, there is a counselor, a girl comes in to tell him about being a vampire and next thing you know they are jumping each other's bones. 

The book is not entertaining, the spoken part is absurd, the plot went away when it saw the author's intentions, the writing style is that of a horny teenager, and it doesn't even get you warmed up if that was the intention.

GENRE: porn

FANGS OUT: nope, nothing's going out for this
FANGS RETRACTING: very very very badly written
TOTAL SCORE:

Ricotta Pancakes

This recipe is so yummy. The pancakes are fluffy and creamy at the same time. I made a ton of them (I had to feed 6 people and wasn't sure how many I needed, so if you are just trying this you better make half the batch) and even though some were left after breakfast, they never saw dusk. Since ricotta is a little bit sweet on its own, I didn't add that much sugar and they were just perfect.

Ingredients:

• 400g ricotta
• 300g flour (half plain, half wholewheat) 
• 300ml milk
• 3 table spoons brown sugar
• 2 pinches of salt
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 1 tea spoon baking powder
• 6 eggs (separate 4 whites, the rest goes straight in)

 1) You know me, you know I'll just put everything in one bowl without making it go through the sieve first. Just mix it all together with the exception of the 4 egg whites. Combine till smooth.

2) In a separate bowl, beat the whites till stiff peaks form. Then fold it gently into the mix.

3) Butter your pan and start frying them. Brush the pan with the butter before putting in a new pancake so that it doesn't stick.

Cynthia Eden: Bound by Blood

I'm so into e-books these holidays. They are so easy to carry around in big numbers (I bought Eden's 4 in 1 pack about vampires, of course) and you don't have to explain to anybody what you are reading if there is an akwardly semi-naked hot dude on the cover. 

So, this was just a short story (about 70 pages on my PocketBook) which meant I didn't expect much but on the other hand the teasers were promising - like who would resist the never-ending war of vampires and werewolves who have to unite in order to face their mutual demon enemy?! Cool, huh? 

Well, the story was fast-paced, to the point, and with a lot of action. A little bit stalkerish background to the romance part for my liking but it at least covered the shaky ground on which most love-you-forever stories stand - it gave the reader feeling that the love grew and didn't just happen instantly. At least in one half of the couple. 

I just wish there was more on the folklore. The short stories never give you enough basic information on the creatures they deal with which is for some a plus but a minus for the others. I prefer to know a lot about my vampires before I plunge into their world. The same goes for the plot. The twists were awesome had they been elaborated on more. I really see a novel potential here.

GENRE: It's labeled Paranormal Romance. But where is the build-up?

FANGS OUT: action
FANGS RETRACTING: not enough information
TOTAL SCORE: