Sharon Page: Blood Deep

Wow, winter holidays are almost over and my initial thought of writing some extra articles (as I thought I would have more time) vanished and I am happy to write at least one. I suck, I know but worse things happen...

I remember back in the day discovering Black Dagger Brotherhood series by Ward and thinking: “Omg, the sex scenes! There are so many, I’m reading porn!” and later I started grabbing all those books marked as “romance” which became since that time on my code for porn. Little did I know that those were really just romances with something hot to spice them up a little because when I got to this book, I finally understood the difference between romance and erotica or what they call it.

I mean, in romance books, the author always waits till at least page 100 to get the people intimate. Before that page, they get to know each other (within a week or so) and then they make love, realize they are soul mates, and eventually they get married and get down to the reproduction road (that usually takes them another week). In erotica, however, people get down to business the moment they meet. Or in this case, they are “plagued” by sensual dreams so that when they finally meet it’s like they already know each other.

The story (there really is plot) takes place in the 19^th century and basically reveals some more troubles poor vampires have when there are two of them and they want the same woman. Result? Why not share... The whole series (I think) is about a woman getting both the yummy guys she wants, so if you find this idea just too preposterous, don’t read it. There is a longer storyline about vampires/slayers and how the monsters are kinda OK while the slayer society has some rotten pieces inside but that is really superficial because the main focus is on the woman saving the two guys she wants to have fun with.

So, this is what the porn for women looks like. It’s not visual because we are creatures focusing on our emotions prior to the visuals. It’s hot, it’s entertaining, and they are gonna get married and have kids, because nothing screams marital stability like ménage a trois put together in record time. 

GENRE: DP PORN

FANGS OUT: it's nice if your are into this kind of thing

FANGS RETRACTING: I want more action and complicated plot because there simply isn't enough about the hunter society

TOTAL SCORE:

Beer bread

I’m sure you know that Czech people consume most beer per capita. It’s nearly 150 liters a year for one person. That is 300 hundred bottles. 

I’m not sure who drinks mine because I consume about three bottles a year. And by consume I really mean eat. I don’t drink it. Beer is quite popular ingredient in many a dishes, so here is the most simple one. 

As one Czech saying goes: “Beer is the nation’s bread.” So, let’s turn our proverbial bread into actual bread. And let’s add a potato to make it soft longer.

You are going to need (for a small loaf):

• 250ml pale lager
• 500g flour (just because it’s Christmas and we are supposed to sin the most, I used plain flour, not whole grain I usually use)
• 1 potato
• 20g yeast (the one from the cube)
• 1 table spoon salt
• optional: typical Czech bread spice is cumin, I hate it so I don’t use it but you can if you really want to get it right add one table spoon

1)      Boil the potato, let it cool down, peel it, and grate it. 
2)   Mix all the ingredients together and knead till it forms dough (that is gonna take some effort, trust me) which doesn’t stick to your fingers or which doesn’t fall apart. 
3)    Let it sit somewhere in the dark warm spot so that the yeast can do it’s job for about an hour or two. 
4)    Preheat your oven to 210°C and put your bread pan or tray into it. When the oven is the right temperature, put your dough into the hot pan or whatever you use to make bread in. Cover it with aluminum foil and bake for 30 minutes.  
5)    After 30 minutes, lower the temperature to 170°C and bake without the cover for another 30 minutes. 
6)    Take it out, let it cool down on a baking rack (don’t let it in the pan, the bread has to “breathe” – the air must come to it from all sides).

 

Sheridan Lefanu: Carmilla

I almost forgot Carmilla! How could I?! I was going through my thesis books to make sure I mentioned them all and I realized I missed one when talking about the old classics. So, here you have it.

You can’t help but marvel at the scenery. Gothic lovers will be transfixed by the castle and the old allure of the genre which shows in every detail. The visuals are awesome (I mean, it’s a book and the font is normal but the visuals you get in your head... or is it just my head?).

Many people read this because it’s said to be a lesbian story, but I’m not sure. A young lady is brought up by her father and some servants secluded from basically all people (the castle, remember?!) and when a girl her age comes to be with her, naturally she develops some kind of bond. But not that kind of bond. Sure, Carmilla exhibits some tendencies to prefer women but maybe that’s only to obtain blood from her naive lady friends. A 19^th Century girl is less suspicious when around other girls, right? Preying on men would attract too much attention, so let’s not talk about this and move to more important stuff like... ehm... folklore!

The author mentioned some really believable old-school knowledge about vampires which was laughed at by the infamous creature- that was nice. When I think about it, there was a lot of vampire info despite the novel being so short.

I’d say that this book gives you a really good insight on how the female vampire looked back in the day. It reads fast so if you don’t like older books for their language or tendency to prolong everything without any climax, you won’t find this one that obsolete or terrible to read.

GENRE: Gothic

FANGS OUT: you want to see the places

FANGS RETRACTING: could be more elaborated on in the horror scenes

TOTAL SCORE:

Coconut Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies

There is never enough of cookies with chocolate. And if they are healthier and with a little hint of different flavor to them (coconut) than the regular ones, you don't have to even hesitate and just bite into them as fast as possible because these will be gone in no time.

You will need (for about 30 cookies):

• 2 small cups of whole grain rye flour 
• 2 small cups of oats
• 1 teaspoon of baking powder
• 1 small cup of melted coconut oil (virgin, of course - that's the only way how to preserve the coconut smell and taste we want)
• 1/2 small cup brown sugar
• 2 eggs
• 2 small cups of chocolate chunks (70% is my game)
• optional: if you really think the coconut oil isn't enough you can add 1/2 cup of shredded coconut to ensure the taste will be coconut-y, but trust me, if you have good oil, it will be enough

1) Mix it all together till you have a sticky batter.

2) Then try to make small balls and put them on a baking sheet. They will melt to the sides so make sure there is enough space around them.

2) Bake for about 10 minutes at 180°C.

Stephen King: 'Salem's Lot

Imagine the story of Dracula being retold on the US ground. That’s basically it. Except the vampire here starts building his army of followers by simple maths. He creates one, the one he created creates another one and so on till you have a town full of bloodthirsty citizens and a couple of survivors.

But this is a Stephen King story and it means it’s full of thrilling moments, suspension and passages which make your blood run cold. It seems as thick and dense as the original King derived from and even though you can’t help but always try to compare it with the original, you can find its own pace and storyline which makes it a lot different.

I could tell you that there are no diary entries or letters here, that there are still men trying to protect their women, that the villain still goes after the hero’s beloved but this time he is not focused solely on her. I could point out all the themes which stayed in vampire literature and the new ones which appeared here for the first time. I could also tell you that there are more characters to spice things up and set the pace here but then you would know too much and wouldn’t perhaps feel like reading it for yourself. And that would be a shame.

GENRE: horror

FANGS OUT: modern approach to the old theme

FANGS RETRACTING: Dracula’s influence perhaps too much for someone

TOTAL SCORE:

Quinoa and red lentil cheese balls

I am tired of always eating salads or veggie/fruit smoothies for supper. Every once in a while I need something different to bite into without the guilt of consuming something not healthy enough. These days it’s all about quinoa and other “superfoods”. So, the stuff I did with quinoa (apart form using it as a regular side dish) is finally here.

You are going to need:

• ½ cup red lentil

• ½ cup quinoa

• cheese (I used mozzarella and Balkan)

• 1-2 tablespoon tomato puree

• dry basil, garlic, thyme and rosemary

• plus your regular salad stuff, that is optional (tomatoes, peppers, oil, balsamico etc.)

1) Boil quinoa and red lentil – you can do them together because they get ready at the same time so you will save yourself some dishes.

2) Meanwhile, you can prepare your cheese- cut it into small squares or any shapes you want, it just must be small.

3) Once the quinoa/lentil mix has cooled down a bit, you can add a tablespoon of tomato puree and the herbs. This is up to you; everyone likes it a bit different, so add as much as you want. Since I used balkan cheese, I avoided salt but if you are one of those salt eaters, add it there as well.

4) Take a big spoonful of the mix, roll it into a ball and then press one piece of the cheese inside. Roll it in your hands again so that the cheese isn’t sticking out anywhere.

5) Put all your balls onto a baking tray and bake them at about 200°C for 20 minutes.

6) They go well with a salad, so take your veggies and make it while the balls are baking. I added the leftover cheese into the salad as well.

7) Eat them hot or cold – both ways are delicious.